SO YOU THINK YOU'RE COMPUTER ILLITERATE?

Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return

Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is.

AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard

to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic

bag the mouse was packaged in.

Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining that his

system wouldn't read word processing files from his old diskettes. After

troubleshooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, it was

discoverd that the customer labeled the diskettes, then rolled them into the

typewriter to type the lables.

Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A

few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with a Xeroxed copy

of the floppies.

A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the

drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold on, and was

heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossing the room to close the

door to his room.

Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to FAX

anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the technician discovered

the customer was trying to FAX a piece of paper by holding it in front of

the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key.

Another Dell customer needed help setting up a new program, so a Dell

technician suggested he go to the local Egghead, "Yeah, I got me a couple of

friends," the customer replied. When told Egghead was a software store, the

man said, "Oh, I thought you meant for me to find a couple of geeks."

This story from a Novell Net Wire sys Op: caller: "Hello, is this Tech

Support?" Tech: "Yes, it is." Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and

I am within the warranty period. How do I get it fixed?" Tech: "I'm sorry,

but did you say cup holder?" Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my

computer." Tech: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped; it's because I am.

Did you receive this as part of a promotional at a trade show? How did you get

the cup holder? Does it have a trademark on it?" Caller: "It came with my

computer, I don't know anything about a promotional. It just has "4X" on it."

At this point the Tech Rep. had to mute the caller, because he couldn't stand

it. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-Rom as a cup holder

and snapped it off the drive!

A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his

computer had told him he was "bad and invalid". The tech explained that the

computer's "bad command" and "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken

personally.

An exasperated caller to Dell Company Technical Support couldn't get her

new Dell computer to turn on. After ensuring that the computer was

plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power

button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed this foot pedal and nothing

happens." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's mouse.

Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand new

computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in, and sat

there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened

when she pressed the power switch, she asked "What power switch?"

ACTUAL DIALOG OF A FORMER WORDPERFECT CUSTOMER SUPPORT EMPLOYEE

"Ridge Hall computer asistant; may I help you?"

"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."

"What sort of trouble?"

"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."

"Went away?"

"They disappeared."

"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"

"Nothing."

"Nothing?"

"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."

"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"

"How do I tell?"

"Can you see the C:\ prompt on the screen?"

"What is a sea-prompt?"

"Never mind. Can you move the curson around on the screen?"

"There isn't any cursor; I told you, it won't accept anything I type?"

"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"

"What's a monitor?"

"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV.

Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"

"I don't know."

"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the

power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"

...."Yes, I think so."

"Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into

the wall."

..."Yes, it is."

"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables

plugged into the back of it, not just one?"

"No."

"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other

cable."

..."Okay, here it is."

"follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your

computer."

"I can't reach."

"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"

"No."

"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"

"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle--it's because it's dark."

"Dark?"

"Yes, the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in

from the window."

"Well, turn on the office light then."

"I can't."

"No? Why not?"

"Because there's a power outage."

"A power.... A power outage? Aha! Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you

still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"

"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."

"Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was

when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."

"Really? Is it that bad?"

"Yes, I'm afraid it is."

"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"

"Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."